These last few months have been... confusing... at best. In an attempt to better myself I've been giving myself more and more goals, read more, spent more time reflecting, more time working out, more time trying to focus, and yet I feel that I'm accomplishing less and less with each passing day and forgetting things faster than I can learn them. To boot, working out does absolutely nothing for me except make me have to shower more than once a day which is just irritating. Literally. My scalp dries out and I have a beautiful "sheen" of skin flakes in my hair - seriously, I get compliments because people think I've highlighted my hair with silver. Some days I go so far as to accomplishing only the bare minimum each day and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. I could blame the weather. Perhaps SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is my problem although I also think this could just be a plausible and convenient excuse.
I'm never bored. At least, I never should be bored because I always have 101 things to do with a rotating list that never ends. The moment I check one thing off, there are always 3-4 things to take its place. That said, something is wrong and it feels similar to boredom. Maybe I'm bored of never being able to finish my own to-do lists. The online class I'm taking is good (actually better than some campus courses I have had) but not particularly challenging. I cook occasionally to keep up my skills, but honestly, there are not that many people for me to cook for and cooking for myself really is boring. I have piano lessons but they don't require too much effort. In fact, I've had students that have asked me to write some basic music for them but I can't even procure the gumption to put that together. I have literally hundreds of goals for this year and those are just the ones I've written down.
But I don't feel driven to accomplishing any of them.
In the past, I've found that having an external drive to accomplish goals helps. This is probably why I did okay while I was in engineering at Purdue, in multiple dance clubs, balancing life at home with roommates and family, and other drama but I struggled working full-time in Agriculture with the months of "down-time." I can't wait to start working (which hopefully this week I will hear back from a possible job lead - fingers crossed). Working at least feels like I'm accomplishing something for someone even though it doesn't help my to-do lists. I love working so long as it's for other people. On the other hand, what exactly is wrong with me? Where is my will-power to enforce my own goals and deadlines?
Let's examine deadlines a bit more in depth. I actually LOVE deadlines which are enforced by others. As in, I rarely miss them. My to-do lists often have self-imposed deadlines but frequently those can be changed, or ignored until they disappear into the ether. The whooshing sounds, the slight panic of impending doom, the keeping yourself calm with the necessary prioritizing, scheduling, and multitasking... these things are what I love about "external" deadlines. I live for the challenge of meeting goals for others by their deadlines. Even missed deadlines are okay with the knowledge that everything humanly possible to reach those goals was attempted. This is very Douglas Adams I suppose. He knew a thing or two even though I had difficulty reading his books all the way through. I should probably try again now that a decade has passed. I might appreciate them more.
Thoughts? I realize this is a bit of a depressive ramble but these issues have been heavy on my mind since at least mid-November. I'm very open to suggestions. Volunteering helped significantly last year so that could be at least a temporary solution. I would do the same this year but my thinking so far was that I should prioritize my other random goals for a while. Unfortunately, right now not only do I not accomplish those goals but I also don't do the volunteering. Hmmm... I should seriously consider volunteering again, at least until school starts back up or I get a full time job. I'll look into this Monday.
On a brighter note: One thing I have accomplished in the past few months is working with a gluten-free pasta recipe and tweaking it to be my own. Coming soon! Seriously, it's delicious. Once you try it, if you're on a gluten free diet, you'll never EVER go back to boxed gluten-free pasta.
Listening to Carmina Burana - Carl Orff. Speaking of which, I've recently had an overwhelming burn to go see an opera. Anyone in? Text me!
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